kevin and jenna [dot] com

Where do I begin?

July 24th, 2008

This summer has been quite emotional for me.  Several members of our church have passed away.  Let me retract that statement.  Several serving and active members of our church passed away this summer.  These are people that weren’t just fixtures on the wall.  They got their hands dirty to serve and to be used by the Lord, for many years.  They sent me (or made me) baby gifts when the kids were born.  They came to our wedding.  They called us by name in the hallway.  And the Lord has called them Home.

Then just yesterday I heard that my former boss passed away last week while we were vacationing.  I just spent an hour crying to Kevin about this event, and hopefully it won’t take me an hour to blog about it.  My first words through my tears to Kevin about my boss were, “She was so mean to me.”  I don’t know any other way to say that, but she was.  I endured the year with her while pregnant with Colby, and she was mean to me.  If it weren’t for a handful of wonderful students and their awesome parents, I would never have made it through that year.  Figuratively speaking, my boss had a “good list” and a “bad list” - and pretty much everyone under the age of 30 was on the “bad list”.  I never knew why.  No matter how I tried, I couldn’t work my way off the “bad list”.

And yet, the things I remember about this boss were the good things; she was the first person (after Kevin) to whom I announced my pregnancy.  I pretty much had to, so she would cut me some slack.  And then, she was the person I called when I was in labor, to let her know I wouldn’t be at work the next day.  I still remember her voice at 11:30 that night - “Good luck, Jenna, we’re all pulling for you!”, she said sleepily.

Why am I blogging about this?  For starters, I’m just so confused about what to feel.  I am sad for her family.  She had a son my age, and we went to high school together.  His kids will never know their grandmother.  I am also upset about my feelings.  I thought I had forgiven her for what she did to me but hearing about her death has brought up emotions I thought I had conquered.  Jesus told us that when someone offends us, we are to forgive him/her for that offense 70 x 7 times.  Now, I’m not keeping a running tally of how many times I’ve forgiven her, but I thought it was surely close to that by now.  I am not rejoicing over her death, only that she is in Heaven now.  There were many who loved her and respected her, and I just wish she had given me the chance to do so.

I don’t feel “unvindicated” by her death, if that makes any sense… I know there’s no way I could have ever told her what a horrible year I had with her.  Kevin put it so succinctly, “Now our job is to train our 2.5 kids to love and respect others, because we don’t want them to have to experience what you went through.”  Well said.  Well said.

Entry Filed under: Faith, Life